120 of the best dad jokes and funniest one-liners

These best dad jokes for kids range from cringey to classic one-liners, and they're sure to have the whole family laughing...

Are you even a dad if the moment you have a child, you don't immediately start throwing out painfully cheesy and groan inducing jokes? Dad jokes are something we're all used to hearing thanks to one certain family member and his questionable sense of humour; when he becomes a dad, the urge to drop puns and one-liners becomes as overriding as any of life's innate needs. The business of dad jokes has been going on for generations, but don't deny it - we all secretly love them. 

Whilst some are so bad they're actually genius, we've managed to compile some of the best dad jokes around that actually promise to have the whole family laughing hysterically. From knock-knock jokes to extra corny crackers, swat up on a few old favourites or share some as a few fun things to do with kids when there's nothing else to do. Our list includes a selection from the Aldi Mamia Best Dad Joke contest. and MoonPig's survey for the best Great British dad jokes. Buckle up and prepare to burst out laughing.

120 Best dad jokes

Award-winning dad jokes

There appears to be an award for everything, and dad jokes are no different! If these make you wither, wait until you read about the worst Christmas cracker jokes of all time - we think dads have definitely taken some inspiration from these corkers, for the following award winning wisecracks.

1. I once hired a limo but when it arrived, the guy driving it walked off! I said "Excuse me? Are you not going to drive me?" The guy told me that the price didn't include a driver… … so I'd spent £400 on a limo and have nothing to chauffeur it!
2. Why did the man fall down the well? Because he didn't see that well!
3. What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday? "Aye Matey!"
4. Someone has glued my pack of cards together—I don't know how to deal with it.
5. What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing.
6. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
7. Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one.
8. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “sorry we don’t serve food here.”
9. I was wondering why the frisbee kept looking bigger, and then it hit me.
10. What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

11. "Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut.”
12. My wife asked me to stop singing ‘Wonderwall’ to her. I said “Maybe…”.
13. What is brown and sticky? A stick.
14. I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!
15. I used to hate facial hair. Then it grew on me.
16. What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-Hurty.
17. I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said "could you check my balance?"—so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great.
18. What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison.
19. What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesaurus!
20. Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field!

Best one-liners

Short and witty, dad's one-liners are some of his best work. If you think these are cheesy, check out some of these actual cheese jokes and find out why Edam is the only cheese made backwards... 

21. I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.
22. I have a fear of elevators, but I've started taking steps to avoid it.
23. I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
24. (Holding a step ladder) "This is my step ladder... I never knew my real ladder."
25. I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
26. When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.
27. Stop looking for the perfect match - use a lighter.
28. Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
29. I tried to do my homework but my pencil broke, so it was pointless. 
30. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

31.  (Reversing the car) "Ahh, this takes me back."
32. Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
33. Time to take this cookie to the hospital. It’s feeling crummy.
34. It takes guts to be an organ donor.
35. To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.
36. My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.
37. It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.
38. I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.
39. My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
40. I've always wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients. 

41. Hey Maths - grow up and solve your own problems.
42. I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
43. Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
44. Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.
45. My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.
46. I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
47. Finally my winter fat has gone - now I have spring rolls.
48. What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? So-fish-ticated.
49. I'm on a seafood diet: When I see food, I eat it.
50. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

51. I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta-sea.
52. I told your mother she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
53. My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don’t think they’ll fit me.
54. I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.
55. Sore throats are a pain in the neck.
56. I can kayak - Canoe?
57. I made a pencil with two erasers - it was pointless.
58. Did you know the Pope’s favourite scent is Pope-pourri?
59. I just got a promotion at the farm. Now I’m the C-I-E-I-O.
60. I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.

Cringe-worthy dad jokes

If dad isn't making us laugh-out-loud, he'll be making us cringe until we turn inside out. We think that while he's been watching films with the family, he's been making a note of the best innuendos he's found in kids film and TV, passing them off as his own.

61. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop
62. How Do Fish Get High? Seaweed
63. What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
64. What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? "Yellow!"
65. What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.
66. Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
67. Where do cows go on Friday nights? To the moo-vies.
68. What is a snake's favourite subject? Hiss-tory.
69. Why are penguins so awkward at parties? Because they can't break the ice.
70. What did the paper say to the pencil? Write on.

71. How do you make Lady Gaga mad? Poke her face.
72. What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address.
73. Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.
74. I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
75. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
76. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
77. Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.
78. How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
79. Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush
80. Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.

81. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know what comes first.
82. How much does it cost Father Christmas to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house.
83. What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.
84. Why don't crabs give to charity? Because they're shell-fish.
85. Why can’t you trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
86. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
87. What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.
88. How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
89. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
90. How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.
91. What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.

92. Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands
93. What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable
94. What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear.
95. What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You’re under a vest.
96. What did the slow tomato say to the others? Don't worry I'll ketchup.
97. What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.
98. What did one hat say to the other? "Stay here! I'm going on ahead."
99. Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
100. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
101. Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.

102. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.
103. What do you call a man with no nose and no body? Nobody nose.
104. What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
105. Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.
106. What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.
107. Doctor, doctor, I'm terrified of squirrels. (Doctor replies:) You must be nuts.
108. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
109. Why was Cinderella thrown off the football team? She ran away from the ball.
110. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

111. What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrrooom, brrrooom.
112. Why don't eggs tell jokes? Because they'd crack each other up.
113. What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.
114. What do ghosts serve humans for dessert? I Scream.
115. How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.
116. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frost bite.
117. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
118. Where do sharks go on vacation? Finland.
119. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer
120. Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

1001 Really Ridiculously Silly Jokes by Clive Gifford - £5.99 | Amazon

Here are 1001 awesome jokes for the whole family to enjoy. If you want to know why the empty sandwich went to the dentist or what you call a 20,000-year-old joke, the hilarious answers are fab for making everyone laugh.

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The Big Book of Silly Jokes for Kids by Carole Roman - £7.98 | Amazon

There are 800+ Silly jokes for kids aged 6 to 12 in this book. Improve reading skills and have a laugh, with knock-knock jokes, riddles, tongue twisters, and puns to share with the family.

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Silly Jokes for Funny Kids by Andrew Pinder - £4.99 | Amazon

This hilarious collection has over 300 silly jokes for funny kids to enjoy and share, providing hours of entertainment.

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For more seasonal joke inspiration, we have a comprehensive guide to the best Christmas jokes for you to try out. If the children are completely over dad's jokes, why not try some riddles for kids instead? These facts for kids will also blow their minds - maybe even more than the stream of jokes they've been laughing their heads of at.